Just me. Just Allan.

You can argue with me but eventually you’ll agree when I say that this life’s sole vision is happiness. It’s always going to work that way. Target will always be to be happy at the end of the day and we all know how hard that can be. Happiness is not a raw emotion. It’s not a sensation that will just hit you like a stray bullet in that one afternoon when you feel so alone and lonely.

One can’t just be happy by deciding to be happy. One has to do something else to be happy. It’s indirectly achievable; sort of an effect of a cause. So I list down 10 simple things you can do when that I-feel-so-f*cking-lonely-for-no-reason moments hit you.

1. Look at your and your friends and families’ old photographs. Take a glimpse of your past when you were still pimply and stupid but a lot less complicated. I tell you, smiling is inevitable.
2. Clean your room and organize your closet. Yes, this is kind of boring and for sure you are always lazy, but that feeling that you have actually accomplished something equals happiness. It’s a win-win situation.
3. Make your own drink. Make, meaning you don’t just buy or order somewhere. Brew some coffee or put your favorite ice cream flavor in that blender and make some milkshake.
4. Blast your favorite rock song or that Rihanna song that makes you feel slutty. And I say blast. *shouting because of the noisy background*
5. Walk the blues away. Take a walk outside and release more of your all-natural happy chemicals - the endorphins.
6. Get away from the internet. Get away!
7. Call that friend you have not seen or talked to for the longest time. Do some catching up and set a date.
8. Watch your comfort movies. I’m sure all of us have that one or even multiple titles in mind that we don’t care watching all over again and again. For sure, you know the lines.
9. Look at yourself in the mirror. Kinda sound cray cray but for the sake of being aware of how awful you look like when you feel bad and sad, do it. Convince yourself and decide not to feel that way anymore.
10. Just be busy. Do anything (without hurting anyone else, okay.) that you feel like will give you happiness. For how long? Doesn’t really matter. Just do it!

I saw this set of questions here on Tumblr and I find the questions really nice and funny, so I took time to answer them all. I personally think that answering these questions would be a great way to end this year, you know, looking back to some of the significant happenings in the year when an Apocalypse was expected to happen, 2012. Feel free to edit this post and repost it with your own answer.

QUITE PERSONAL

1. Stayed single almost the whole year? Yes.
2. Were involved in something you’ll never forget? oh yes!
3. Came close to losing your life?
 Not I can remember.
4. Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live? Is Zac Efron counted?
5. Did something you regret? Yes. In general, I think regret is inevitable.

FRIENDS & ENEMIES

1. Did you meet any new friends this year? Friends, no. Acquaintances, a lot.
2. Did you hate anyone?
 I don’t pay attention to it.
3. Did you lose any friends? Yes. At least that’s what I feel.

Your BIRTHDAY

1. Did you have a cake? Aww no.
2. Did you get any presents? Aww no again.
3. Did you get what you wished for? I never asked for anything.

All about YOU

1. Did you change at all this year?
 Certainly, yes. Sad thing is not for the better but I’m fixing it.
2. Did you change your style? Yes, I really think so.
3. Were you in school?
 I graduated this year!!!
4. Did you drive?
 No.
5. Did you own a car? No.
6. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. 
7. Did you go on any vacations? Yes. I consider that one time a vacation.
8. Would you change anything about yourself now? Yes, definitely.
9. Did you dye your hair?
 Yes.

Wrap UP

1. Was 2012 a good year? It’s an all mixed up year. This year for me is composed of both failures and successes, heartbreaks and happiness. It’s a roller-coaster-ride but I’m very thankful and all-in-all, its still a good year. 
2. Do you think 2013 will top 2012? The hope is always high.
3. Best thing that happened in 2012?
 It’s definitely my graduation. College has been a rough and a cruel chapter of my life. I’m just really happy it’s over.

IN THE YEAR 2012, I CONFESS THAT I…. 

1. Had your heart broken? Yes, due to my inappropriate expectations and assumptions.
2. Painted a picture?
 No.
3. Wrote a poem? Poems, no. Essays, yes!
4. Visited a foreign country? No. Still dreaming.
5. Told someone you were busy when you weren’t? Yes.
6. Cooked a disastrous meal? Not I can remember.
7. Lied about how old you were? Lame. No.
8. Cried yourself to sleep?
 Yes.

IN 2012 I…. 

1. Broke a promise? Yes.
2. Lied? Most of the time.
3. Disappointed someone close? Yes. Worst? Me.

4. Hid a secret?
 Yes.
5. Pretended to be happy? Yes but I quit easily. It’s not a n easy role to play.
6. Slept under the stars? Yes.
7. Met someone who changed your life? Yes. I think everyone you meet makes an impact. But that someone who “change change”, like changed the rest of your life, no, not yet.
8. Changed your outlook on life? Yes, sad thing is, again, not for the better. But I’m working on it.
9. Lost something expensive? No.
10. Learned something new about yourself? Yes. Everyday is a learning process.

11. Made a change in your life? Not yet. Still in progress.
12. Found out who your true friends were? Yes. 
13. Stayed up til sunrise? Yes.
14. Cry over the silliest thing? Yes. Silly me.
15. Had friends who were drifting away from you? Yes. At least that’s what I feel.
16. Spent most of your money on food? Yes, I think so.
17. Gotten sick?
 Yes.
18. Liked more than 5 people at the same time? I never expected this question to be here. ‘Cause, fuck yes!
19. Became closer with a lot of people?
 Not to a lot of people but to the most important people, my family. Awwww, right?

Q&A

1: What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? A lot, I would say. I turned 22 this year and I really think confidence comes with age. So I could really say that I’m quite adventurous this year and tried out things I have never done before; so adventurous I can’t even share here. LOL

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never made listing down of resolutions a yearly thing for me. I just keep them in mind. For 2012, I’d probably do the same thing. I’d always like to live a spontaneous life, you know, a life which I can easily adjust with respect to the unexpected instances that I may encounter along the way.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. My sister did. I met my very first nephew this year and he’s really keeping everybody in the family closer and happy. He’s adorable.

4: Did anyone close to you die? No, thank God!

5: What countries did you visit? None yet. I’m still dreaming. I wish to explore more of  my country first before hoping on a plane for an international flight.

6: What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? More determination and more hardwork, I would say. I’d like to have more conviction within me to chase that things that would make me genuinely happy. And a Macbook Pro.

7: What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Again, my college graduation. It was on May 19, 2012. It was like the harvest time for me and my parents. It was our time to reap the fruit of our hardwork, so it will always be memorable.

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year? Yep, still, my graduation and the fact that I was able to become closer to my family.

9: What was your biggest failure? Probably, its my failure to pass the government licensure exam for Engineering.

10: Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes. I had painful and swollen bruises on my feet when a glass of water slipped off my hands and landed on my feet. This accident or should I say, stupidity disabled my walking for about two weeks.

11: What was the best thing you bought? My current best friend, my iPhone.

12: Whose behavior merited celebration? **I don’t get this.

13: Whose behavior made you appalled? **I don’t get this, too.

14: Where did most of your money go? Food and thesis requirements.

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about? In general, the beginning and endings of some things.

16: What song will always remind you of 2012? Any Lana del Rey song. Ride, in particular.

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? (a,b,c) I’m quite indecisive with these kind of questions.

18: What do you wish you’d done more of? I should have spend more time with my friends so I would not be having this feeling that they’re drifting away little by little. And maybe, gave more of my heart with that licensure exam.

19: What do you wish you’d done less of? The usual, less procrastination and complaining.

20: How did you spend Christmas? We had our usual Christmas eve dinner and waited for Christmas to arrive. In the morning, I woke up at the wrong side of the bed feeling like a total shit. My frustrations just came all to me. So I decided to meet the birthday boy and went to my favorite church which I consider now as my ‘alone place’. He never failed me and I went home feeling awesome again.

21: Did you fall in love in 2012? To keep things simple, yes.

22: What was your favorite TV program? Hands down, 2 Broke Girls and The New Normal

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t give much attention to hate that I actually forget its existence.

24: What was the best book you read? I read only one book this year. Yes please, crucify me. But its was the best. Perks of Being A Wallflower. This book saved me when I learned about my greatest failure this year. I just read the book after I heard the news and it totally lifted me from where I was and put me to a better place I never knew. So thank you, Stephen Chbosky.

25: What was your greatest musical discovery? Lana del Rey, no doubt. Kimbra, Emeli Sande, Frank Ocean, Phoenix, The XX and a lot more. I have also discovered that I love movie soundtracks. I love the OSTs for the movies Perks of Being A Wallflower and Breaking Dawn Part 2.

26: What did you want and get? Again my graduation. I was really supposed to graduate October this year but instead, my Thesis group mates and I were able to work on it and we graduated May, so that’s one! My iPhone which I got early this year and now is considered a very old model of it.

27: What did you want and not get? Does it matter? Just recently, a job at a huge TeleComm company here in the Philippines. I wasn’t shortlisted for the last part of the recruitment process. It matters a lot (well now, “mattered”) because I badly need a job.

28: What was your favorite film of this year? Looper, Premium Rush, Pitch Perfect, Breaking Dawn Part 2 and Perks of Being a Wallflower.

29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Sadly, I didn’t have that one thing.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? During the early part of the year, I was really wearing a lot of bright colors on my tops, skinny jeans and ankle boots; more like Forever 21. But upon turning 22 last October, I started wearing clothes in more mature way. I always wear button-down shirts now and the cut of my pants are straight now. When it comes to shoes, I only wear loafers and suede shoes now. I was also able to train myself to leave the house without a bag and I’m really happy about it.

31: What kept you sane? I have 4: Music, movies, my nephew, and the guy I can say I’m “dating” right now.

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Zac Efron. nuff said.

33: What political issue stirred you the most? Anything about the politics here in my country is stirring and more of annoying. All politics-related news make my ears warm.

34: Who did you miss? I’m going to get a little sentimental here, from where I am now, looking back, I miss my not so old self. That self during the early part of this year. That self who’s busy, productive, and doesn’t overthink a lot. I miss me.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012? Loving yourself is very important and its not easy.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. From Coldplay’s The Scientist: “Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.”

Didn’t they update it yet? Is honesty still the best policy?

When you say something is the best, personally, you’re crazy about it. You love it. You worship it, up to some extent. You can’t get over it. Like the first time you do bungee jumping, since you are an adrenaline junkie. You can’t wait to try it again. It’s the best feeling, the best experience. Or it’s like your favorite song, you just keep on playing it until it sends you to sleep and while you’re asleep you dreamt of yourself still listening to it until you’re alarm clock wakes you up to the tune of the same song which you find the best way to jump start your day. When you consider something as “the best”, you just can’t let go of it, not until you get so used of it.

I guess that’s what happened. We all got used to being honest at some point and we just decided to be such when the situation strictly demands it. Or maybe most of the time being honest gets us in some trouble. I mean, look around you, or maybe let’s not get too far, look at you. No one does honesty now. Of course I’m generalizing here, but yeah, I’m sticking to it.

For the past month, I’ve been looking for a job and God knows how terrified I am since I am applying for jobs which are remotely aligned to my college degree. I’m an engineering graduate and I’m applying for jobs in the field of marketing, public relations and events; the field where I see myself really happy and really successful, you know, taking chances. Of course, I also applied for jobs which are in line with my degree. And so far, the results are frustrating. I’m still jobless right now and I sort of blame my honesty for it. 

Whenever I have my interview with an engineering company, I am always asked about what made me chose my degree or do I really like it. All the time. And the truth is, it wasn’t my choice. But for consistency’s sake, I twist the truth a little. I usually say that the field is highly competitive, aggressive and in-demand. I also add that engineers are builders and since everybody’s after progress and development, engineers will always play a big role in that. But then after saying all these, I still tell my interviewer what I really want; that I am really enthusiastic about working in the field of marketing, public relations and events. And then the interview ends with “We’ll get in touch with you after a week or two and blah blah…” Then the week or two passed by, no call, no email. There you have it, my honesty had cause me some rejection. But that’s understandable. The recruiter was just doing her job. 

You see, honesty puts us in to some sort of trouble sometimes. Rejection, for that matter. That for a fact, is one reason why some people choose to lie. Most of the time, to lie is the easiest way out. But let’s be real (oh look at this, I’m gonna be honest), some lies are necessary, especially when we want to protect someone else or even ourselves from the whiplash of truth. However for some, life isn’t fully lived if they’re not being 100% honest. Now, this is a difficult life. Being honest means also being vulnerable to all sorts of negative entity around you. But it has its perks, of course.

Lies are okay, I think. But its always a case-to-case basis. Just like what I said, some lies are necessary. It’s free but you must only use it when it’s appropriate and you define this appropriate moments since you are a well-principled and rational human being. It’s like using the “resurrection wings” whenever you play Temple Run. You use it wisely because you paid for it. But having all these said, still, be honest as much as you can and as often as possible. Love it. Go crazy about it. Worship it. Never get used to it, after all its “THE BEST”.

With my job interviews, I don’t know. Most probably, I’d stick to my honesty and let it land to the best place.

1. Do I love myself?
2. Am I a disappointment to my family? 
3. Do I think my parents were right about some things?
4. Has my life really started?
5. Will I enter the gates of heaven when I die?
6. How long am I going to be single?
7. Where is the right person for me?
8. Should I wait for him? Yes.
9. How long should I wait?
10. When do I settle down?
11. Do I want kids? Uhm, yes.
12. Will it be through adoption or a surrogate?
13. Am I dealing with guys correctly?
14. How do I tone down my sex drive?
15. Where are my friends?
16. Where is my best friend?
17. Am I acting according to my age?
18. Are my failures and regrets still important to me?
19. Why am I still holding on to my insecurities?
20. Should I take chances or make decisions?
21. Is this the career that I’ll be having and loving for the rest of my life?
22. Am I where I want to be?
23. What if I wasn’t gay?

I have never been in a romantic relationship ever before. My relationship history book is still consists of blank pages. I have had few flings here and there but they all had similar endings. Awful.

Being single for most of us is not a pleasant disposition. But it always works that way; we always think that what we don’t have is a lot better than what we actually do. We seldom realize that we can take advantage of our current situation. We overlook these things and the next thing we know, we’re completely lost.

However, to some, being single is the best spot to see all the flaws of having a relationship and the perfection about being single. We observe a lot. Our senses are actively accommodating signals from our friends, for instance, who have girlfriends or boyfriends about their experiences and encounters while they are “in a relationship” status. From these observations, we draw insights and wisdom that will definitely be useful when our “time” comes. I listed down the things single-hood has taught me. They may make sense to you.

1. BASIC: Love yourself.

For the longest time, I had a hard time grasping the concept of this. All I thought was it’s completely unnecessary to love yourself because that’s the whole point of having a relationship with someone, to receive love from him. I never thought that loving yourself is the basic, like Algebra 1. God knows how difficult Algebra 1 is and most of the time we take it for granted and neglect its significance because we thinks it’s completely useless. What we don’t know is that, Algebra  1 is very important for us to survive the next Algebra, Geometry, Calculus and the rest of the higher Math. We have fed our minds the thought that love will complete us, but no, so wrong. You love because you know you are complete and you are ready to share your completeness with someone who’s complete as well which makes both of you complete and complementary. Simply put, you can’t share the love that you don’t even have for yourself.

2. Self-worth

Loving yourself begets self-worth. It’s not just about knowing what you want, it’s realizing what you deserve. Focusing on what you want alone will certainly build up confusion with self-worth. But as we all know, too much of anything can cause a problem and yes, nevertheless, too much self-worth will cause you a big problem.

3. If true love can wait, so does sex.

Sex is a good thing, great actually. However, this doesn’t mean that it should be part of your top priorities. We are all going to agree, sex is one of our weaknesses. We easily give in to the call of lust for a 7-minute or so of great ride and pleasure. The big news is, IT CAN WAIT! Just imagine how grateful and lucky your future partner would feel when he finds out that you preserved yourself for the right person. Just a piece of advice, for a little fun pleasure and guilt-free experience, try porn and your hands. 

4. Words are just words.

Words are swords. It can protect you from the monsters of pain but it can also cause you wounds that have the possibility to haunt you for the rest of you life. Words are the easiest way to make someone feel better, especially when hurt is getting pretty dominant of the scene. Words are like antidote that keeps the venom from poisoning your system. Words do really change the scene but not the situation, ‘cause words are just words. You cannot trust them unless actions back them up. You’ve been warned!

5. Stop mind-reading.

If there’s one thing that a couple should always do, it has to be “to talk”. Mind-reading is not true. Taking clues from his vague gestures and ways will only make things more complex. People are not supposed to play psychic to other people. We humans are gifted with a mouth for talking, ears for listing, a mind for processing and a heart for empathizing. All these four work together to keep the connection with your partner and to maintain the harmony between the two of you. Stop thinking that you have a secret, free and unlimited access in to his head.

6. Single is okay.

Just for a while, stop over analyzing. For a while, stop thinking that the grass is greener on that side of the fence. You’ll see, single is actually okay.